why, doctor!

i have many stories of cultural and language blunders and ways i've embarrassed myself in interactions with guatemalans here. fortunately, i also have funny stories of when native spanish speakers speak english with me:

last spring i had the last of like half a dozen mysterious longish episodes of the stomach. i went to the doctor who many of us see here, a renowned expert in central america on infectious diseases, and explained to him my symptoms. i hopped up on the bench and he said rather apologetically, "i will have to do a partial physical, i am an internist. i will check every orifice in your body."

stop. ?what? my face must have reflected those thoughts because his grandfatherly face changed and he said quickly, "well, not every orifice."

also:
last friday night i went to the dermatologist for some advice. after saying a few times that it was truly an honor to meet and help me, and after checking out the mole on my face he explained that a real surgery would be too invasive and explained an alternative procedure to me. after listening to the alternative procedure, i interrupted him politely and asked, "wait, this is something i can do at home, or something you will do here at the office?"

at that, the avuncular, nebbish-looking doctor took my face in both his hands and said solemnly, "no no no, s, if you do this procedure at home, i will really spank you."

quite a threat from an older clark kent look-alike.

it took all the self-control i had to not bust out laughing.